I am always thinking about the past. Is that weird? Or the future. Or how depressing my current situations are. How stupid, right? I am writing this so I can let it go and get over myself. The body puts such blunders on living.

fall feels like a warm bath i used to take when i was little
the leaves bend and curl under my toes
and dreams feel like best friends
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
BON FIRES!

i long to

see things as less black and white
embrace the gray
not get scared when looking into others eyes
laugh at myself more
open myself up to be laughed at more
take more risks
show people what i love about them
have more conversations about things i care about
ask for more advice
paint/collage more
go out on a limb (i guess this is the same as take more risks)
run more, and walk less (because it feels so good afterward)
find more places to dance (not just dance floors)
smell more flowers
collect more leaves
be more open to love
zone in on what i am passionate about
eat less junk
call more, text less
use my phone less in general
watch a movie with my roomie
play guitar/write more
not give up on things so fast
have more confidence in myself
not worry so much
:)

who are we and why are our worlds constantly changing!

i am a carrot
the sun fed me light and rain filled my mud stained cracks

i am a simple, peaceful little muffin
on top of a yellow moon

i am a drum
with skin
and
ears

i
am
god's
eye gunk
his favorite
pie by his dad's piano
and his mom's trumpet

People
are so
mysterious


-----the later, and the earlier i'm up
are the times i function best

----------i wish everyone could see how beautiful they are. (not by a mirror though)
what if the essence of who we were was reflected back to us when we hugged a tree? or kissed a caterpillar?

9 good things about this weekend

1. i can feel fall lurking in
2. tuna casserole
3. carrying piglets to their new home
4. dancing in a warm room
5. true blue friends, old and new
6. simplicity in dorm decorating
7. new perspectives
8. chocolate covered almonds
9. memory foam

ten reasons why september 10th is taking a turn for the better

1. i realized the children's section at alden library (aka college) is better than the adult sections. i found a whole section on sea creatures, a huge book with pages dedicated to a plethra of animals who are the same color, a book ALL ABOUT HANDS focused on the lines,and palm reading!!!!! then there's a book on human faces, and it says that if you have a baby face people automatically are kind of comfortable with you, and yet if you take a baby face and a regular face and they're both "cold" people (ps- the thought of being cold scares me) people are likely to be way more disapointed at the baby facer because they had higher expectations on a warm, giggly person. i guess this is super obvious. but i still found it interesting. ohhhhhhh, people.

2. there is a very cute boy who works at the convenient on union street. also, there is free fountain drinks there too. 2in1! but today, when he was ringing me up, we made eye contact, and smiled, and it just felt so warm and i kind of melted inside just a little bit. i swear one good smile can do that to ya.

3. today while working, this boy was looking all around near where i was putting books on the temp shelves, and i was like, "do you need help finding something?" and he said with an excited look on his face, "ohhhh no, i'm just checking things out around here!!!!" how cute. obviously a freshman and obviously very excited to be in college. and exciting, it is! a whole library filled with books just for us! and you wonder why i'm always at the library...

4. my mom's boyfriend told me that thoughts are like a radio station that's playing when you're drivin, and we can tune in or tune out

5. a gardener just showed up at the library and has extended her warm company into my evening. i am just oh so happy about that.

6. and notes srsly are the best

7. i am revealing so much to you, blogger.

8.farewell

9. ps, should i major in psychology or outdoor recreation??????????
10.

10 good things that happened today

(copying kel)

1. i woke up and was so warm and comfy that i just didn't ever want to get up.
2. read 2 pages of middlesex
3. my father called me!
4. shared a similar experience with my dear penpal
5. didn't fall asleep in any classes and didn't feel the need to lay my head down
6. briefcase boy sat behind me in history. some day. we will talk.
7. was able to exert some energy
8. miaomiao CRaacccks me up. (daily)
9. ate some tasty shively pizza salad and a vegan patty. tastay.
10. received a warm hug.

the difference between grade school and college is that you can decorate your notebooks any way you like and you can put bumper stickers on your computer, and you can wake up at 3 am and make spaghetti.

i miss the grand canyon! my brother leaves for college tomorrow!

swanky elevator music

is playing

and all i need,
is feet that won't quit moving
and a heart that will follow what it believes
and a body that will produce endless energy
& restless feet
and the ability to face my fears
and some good cheese
hey, i think a good idea would be
playing foreign music while studying

air-conditioners

when i come home after being gone a long while, sometimes i wonder how all of the crazy ideas and dreams that are inside of my head ever got there in the first place. my head doesn't seem to coincide with my surroundings, and yet i let myself become blended into the world around me, barely raising my hand with a question. but it's summer, and the living's easy i suppose. summer has made me scared of the people around these parts, customers who are bitter and eager to complain, corporations who need poor little "part-timers" to sell their high-priced socks in order to meet company standards. was it always like this? or have things just progressed? or i was just oblivious. either way, it makes me kind of scared of people.

i daydream of lifting my backyard up from its suburban confines and and planting it somewhere where it can breath and grow. maybe a field somewhere, or by some water. it is so prettty and overflowing with green but we really do not spend enough time out here. i daydream of friends laughing inside these fences, swinging from the old rocking chair and someone playing guitar bongos and the like. some older, elderly people should be here too so we can talk about things from a fresh perspective and i can ask why it is that neighbors just don't mow each others lawns, or why exactly we even have grass.

i think i could write a whole book full of daydreams, lives i want to live. and even though writing for me doesn't come easy, writing about a life well lived would still be so much easier than actually living it out. i'm kinda lazy, to be honest. how do spiders have the energy to weave such big webs? or how do ants carry 50 times their weight? when i grow up, i vow not to have air conditioning. because when the house is air conditioned, going outside makes you all sweaty and complainy about the weather, when really it feels so nice being so sticky and alive.

i wish i had a guru

"people are like diamonds"
a metaphor someone used the other night in all seriousness.
and at first thought, i thought it was really cheesy.
because diamonds are kind of disgusting in our society.
but i really liked the comparison
because she said how we have so many different surfaces
and layers
and we absorb different frequencies of energy
and we are pretty strong
and overly looked at
but not looked at enough
( i am placing my own words alongside hers now )
cheesy, but i like

i love being lazy

i love books. i love blogging on tumblr. i could sit around my house all summer and read books in the sun, maybe occasionally go for a run. my family has to be around though. and yet, pressing forward in life is something i have to do. if i don't make something of today, it will end just like yesterday did. i am 19 years old and i am not getting any younger. luckily my teeth hurt like a mother so sitting around is totally justified for a couple more days, atleast.

exciting

kayaking
fathers days
my dad's porch
having time to read
having time to think and reflect
waitressing again
making mistakes
crying freely
my grandma's 75th birthday
sarah's
home videos
shyness
motorcycles
bon fires(soon to be)
being tired
campingggggg
seeing old faces
and new ones
ya know, just summer lovin

i wonder if this is what growing up feels like...

it cant!
no no,
i'm sure more good things are to come.

and yet, i don't like the finality of endings, things changing.

too wild
too emotional
too lazy
too crazzzzy
for this life
[sometimes]


as i get older i feel more and more secrets inside of me piling up. not big ones, but just things i never tell anyone, which is interesting.

dads

i would love to curl up in a pillow case and have my dad swing me around my parent's room and toss me on their king size bed. i want to ride his soldiers and get tossed into my grandma's pool or the ocean in mexico. i want to be on his knees as his sings "this is the way the cow boys ride, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up." i want to build a snow fort and throw snowballs clear across the street.

confluence, pa

i am ready for summer. this weekend made me ready. i forgot about school, about what age i was. summer will be nice at home. even if it will get old (like most things tend to do) the warmth of the air will remind me that time is fleeting, so enjoy it. i remember putting away books in the fall, amazed, so happy to be here at school.

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."