on the verge

old journal entries are very interesting/intriguing

from 5/23/08 while in school (junior year)

Sometimes i just don't know how to comprehend myself, or anything else. and everything that's going on around me. i just don't know how to make sense of it all. today is the senior's last day. i hate good byes. i don't know how to say goodbye to the people i see everyday, yet i know i'll probably not see them for a long time after today. what do i say? (what can you ever say?- maybe i could be thinking about what do to, not say) i don't know how to love people like i love him. we're learning about anti-heroes in English. Holden in catcher in the rye is an anti-hero. i think i must be one because i am anti-life today. because i can't comprehend it. i can't comprehend every aspect and i know i don't have to, i just have to live.

i love being fascinated by things

i am fascinated by different blood types. i am type O negative. what are you?

i am fascinated by all the crap i have. next time you need something, instead of going to the store just come to my room.

i am fascinateddd and beautifiiied by god. i feel like a little kid admitting this. the idea is so fresh though, so new to me, and it just feels great. everything seems to make sense in my life when i think about it, like why i feel the way i do about so many things,


hm. i'll elaborate later. or maybe i won't.

teal walls

i think we have a hard time staying idealistic as we get older, remembering the way things SHOULD and CAN be. let's remember, okay? let's not sell ourselves short and let's remember the vision- the light- let's be the light and remember that we are just a tiny speck in the sky; it is all nothing, yet everything

indian summer?

Hmm.. where is everyone these days? besides all the high-schoolys who started school today. sid and i played in the sprinkler today.

how cool is it that we can have all these documentations/recordings of kids being little.. like digital pictures, videos on our phones, voice recordings, etc.. how cool would it be if someone recorded your childhood? i guess back in the day our parents used vhs, but its out of date now. i hope that when sidney is older, all of these recordings won't be too out of date for her to see.
i am wandering about aimlessly, sleeping in while my siblings wake up to go to school, playing in the sprinkler while people are sitting at offices. i am living an alternate life this week. one week left, and i feel as if i am slowly slipping away from life.. my mom told my brother not to fight with me today "only one week left.." where am i going though? as i hang my necklaces up and organize my room, i look in the mirror and remember i am still here. i feel like the rich people on the titanic who were denying to themselves that the ship was sinking, they just kept wandering around gossiping and changing into expensive clothes and hanging out in their parlors; they didn't know how to comprehend that they would soon cease to be. i can relate to this feeling of not knowing what the next moment will feel like. not knowing what the next few months will be like. not knowing where i am headed to, besides to the most beautiful campus ever.

pre-college

i just didn't know change like this existed.. i mean, change is change and it happens and im always shocked by the way things seem to change.. but isn't there anything that remains constant? god, i suppose. he is always here, which i am starting to realize to a certain degree. yet love. love, why must it change, why must cliches prove to be true, and why must people be hurt? why, why why. why must we ache. a l i v e

it seems that my heart travels down its own path.. and sometimes it is completely different from what i want. it has a mind of its own, and i am still trying to figure out its motives.

strange

why do Pocahontas and Little Mermaid both end so strange?
thats okay, Pocahontas is still fantastic. along with Titanic...

does anyone have a VHS
player they would be willing to sell to me?
im into disney movies lately.. next:





im sure this sounds incredibly cheesy

the world seems to take form in the shape of a smile

again, i love:

1. the olsen twins

2. the feast. guarinos. little italy. my grandma, relatives. talking to people i've always wanted to talk to

3. sunny sunny days finding comfort in the shade

4. people's cute blogs

5. being in the city all weekend and driving back to the country :o)


[there is something to be said about loneliness. not constant loneliness- feeling alone in amidst of the world; but the kind of feeling you experience after having your heart feel so fulfilled with love and warmth, and then leaving
that state]

sometimes i forget how to be happy. i see the big picture all too clearly and it scares me. i wish i saw things smaller. sometimes i really just wonder if ill ever be sure of anything. i feel like everyone is so good at living; and me, i always tell myself tomorrow is when i'll live. today, nah. not today.

i am fascinated by eyes

blue

VISUAL AIDES

lately i love



1. water










hm... the concept of water- RIPPLES- fluidity- something running right through/ over/around you- are we nothing- or is water nothing?

i just love everything that water is a part of. washing the dishes, pools, lakes, rivers, ponds, drinking and feeling the fluid trickle down into my body


2. the idea of community

us all living together, sharing our home,
our food, our family, our love. its what we're meant to do

3. friends sharing great books

{irresistible revolution}

4. sharing (in general)
knowing we cannot own anything- therefore it should be so easy to give and share everything we seem to possess

possessing(the *unpossessed)
*not actually a word


4. hot tubs (even though i haven't been in one in like... 2 years.. or more.)

if i could own one thing in the world it would be a hot tub. mmmmm

5. explosions in the sky- of all sorts

meteor showers- even if you only see a couple shooting stars. *

*fireworks at baseball games
and of course the band
*
* *
6. being proactive instead of cynical

7. shadows

because they are the opposite of mirrors





8. getting along with my sibs even if it is because i'll leaving in 3 weeks

9. when everything comes full circle

10. how easy little kids smile.. because they have every reason to be smiling. so do we!! we ARE little kids compared to my grandma who has been the same age for 20 years.












11. when my future looks like this:













ps

i love lists when there is no "to do" involved


periwinkle. fields. trees grown by my grandpa

i have a hard time remembering the people i love aren't perfect

autumn

today feels like fall. seasons come and go so fast. they always feel so familiar and nostalgic too. i wonder if people in florida feel the change too. or people in south america, or africa. i wonder what each season feels like to them.