december

the snow is piling up
and the time is 4oclock but you wouldn't think so
and it's cozy,but your cheeks were rosier last year
and there's now white lights dressed upon your headboard
and your cousins want to cuddle with their mama
and i could just curl up on the couch with the televisions static
and a voice on the telephone in the kitchen
laughing or saying something in a serious tone
either way
the days pass by fast
because they weren't meant to last long anyway
and there's not much to do
or much to figure out
and movies are meant for watching
and family is made for cuddling
(and comfort, and laughs, and making me extremely stuffed)

eXpression

I take no real value in "things". I think I rely almost completely on expression of all intangibles- I long for it. ( ( ) But slavery of expression is murder, and I feel nauseated at the thought of "having" to do anything. So what's the opposite? I want forms to come and go effortlessly, and that doesn't mean my room has to ever be clean again. I wouldn't feel the need to pick up any messes. If I could, I would swim weightlessly in a sea. It doesn't matter what kind of sea, as long as its blue and it's water. What else? Smiles would unlock souls. Mountains would be deliciously dewy on the other side. (and edible of course) Words would only be used on occasion, there would be a lot and a lot of laughing. Everyone would know the color of your eyes and god would kiss you infinitely. And when you fully express yourself, heaven on earth.

thankful for

feeling lost
mushrooms
pomegranate seeds in tasty greens
old music (cat stevens right n0w)
secrets
honesty
gentle hearts
and strong ones too
voicemails
looking in the mirror and laughing
soft skin
kirtan
caring parents
sibz
grandmas, and aunts
frenz
eye colors
socks
dutch pancakes
real syrup
having time alone
being able to breathe
not feeling the need to conform to anything
notes from friends
thinking about things differently just from listening to others talk
CHEESE!
the word unconditional



all my lists are so similar.
what can i say

It's a whirlwind of personalities around here!

good thingz- edit- not november 16th. actually the 23rd.

water.
water water water!
hands.
doodling
tea
feelings
notes
scratchy records
brave friends
spilling out, in any form

eggz in a basket
solitude amongst a crowd
being okay with seeing things gray
the word, collaborating
and the idea of collaborating

realizing "knowing"
is limitless
and i will always want to know more
and question more
and love more

and i will always have an idea of how things "should" be,
but it's okay if things aren't actually that way

being okay with taking time to meditate
in a song
or a mantra
or an idea
or a FEELING!
(bad or good!)
and have it resonate deeply
and then let it go!

Am i too much? Not enough? Will my ribs burst open from a simple touch of a stranger? Would I let myself find out anyway? I fear going too far, too deep, delving into unwanted territories and not being able to escape! I could stare at you for hours, or even a simple second, and fall madly, deeply in love; only to pretend that I feel otherwise. Because to love too much, what is to amount of that anyways but a belly fully of chocolate candies or a desk filled with papers I need to look through and starbursts waiting to be eaten.

to be anything
is to be
laying in a warm bed
all alone
with the window open (but the shade pulled down)
and the cars to be rushing by


but it is night
and we are all in bed
alone
a-lone
loner?
nah
it's nighttime.

and it's not that we are really alone
but we all sleep alone
and dream alone
even if fuzzy creatures show up in our dreams

we close our eyes
and sarcasm
and jokes are forgotten for the day

and there is this realm
of peacefulness
oneness
with the dividend of life's separateness
body-mind- me- you- us


see you tomorrow :)

I am always thinking about the past. Is that weird? Or the future. Or how depressing my current situations are. How stupid, right? I am writing this so I can let it go and get over myself. The body puts such blunders on living.

fall feels like a warm bath i used to take when i was little
the leaves bend and curl under my toes
and dreams feel like best friends
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
BON FIRES!

i long to

see things as less black and white
embrace the gray
not get scared when looking into others eyes
laugh at myself more
open myself up to be laughed at more
take more risks
show people what i love about them
have more conversations about things i care about
ask for more advice
paint/collage more
go out on a limb (i guess this is the same as take more risks)
run more, and walk less (because it feels so good afterward)
find more places to dance (not just dance floors)
smell more flowers
collect more leaves
be more open to love
zone in on what i am passionate about
eat less junk
call more, text less
use my phone less in general
watch a movie with my roomie
play guitar/write more
not give up on things so fast
have more confidence in myself
not worry so much
:)

who are we and why are our worlds constantly changing!

i am a carrot
the sun fed me light and rain filled my mud stained cracks

i am a simple, peaceful little muffin
on top of a yellow moon

i am a drum
with skin
and
ears

i
am
god's
eye gunk
his favorite
pie by his dad's piano
and his mom's trumpet

People
are so
mysterious


-----the later, and the earlier i'm up
are the times i function best

----------i wish everyone could see how beautiful they are. (not by a mirror though)
what if the essence of who we were was reflected back to us when we hugged a tree? or kissed a caterpillar?

9 good things about this weekend

1. i can feel fall lurking in
2. tuna casserole
3. carrying piglets to their new home
4. dancing in a warm room
5. true blue friends, old and new
6. simplicity in dorm decorating
7. new perspectives
8. chocolate covered almonds
9. memory foam

ten reasons why september 10th is taking a turn for the better

1. i realized the children's section at alden library (aka college) is better than the adult sections. i found a whole section on sea creatures, a huge book with pages dedicated to a plethra of animals who are the same color, a book ALL ABOUT HANDS focused on the lines,and palm reading!!!!! then there's a book on human faces, and it says that if you have a baby face people automatically are kind of comfortable with you, and yet if you take a baby face and a regular face and they're both "cold" people (ps- the thought of being cold scares me) people are likely to be way more disapointed at the baby facer because they had higher expectations on a warm, giggly person. i guess this is super obvious. but i still found it interesting. ohhhhhhh, people.

2. there is a very cute boy who works at the convenient on union street. also, there is free fountain drinks there too. 2in1! but today, when he was ringing me up, we made eye contact, and smiled, and it just felt so warm and i kind of melted inside just a little bit. i swear one good smile can do that to ya.

3. today while working, this boy was looking all around near where i was putting books on the temp shelves, and i was like, "do you need help finding something?" and he said with an excited look on his face, "ohhhh no, i'm just checking things out around here!!!!" how cute. obviously a freshman and obviously very excited to be in college. and exciting, it is! a whole library filled with books just for us! and you wonder why i'm always at the library...

4. my mom's boyfriend told me that thoughts are like a radio station that's playing when you're drivin, and we can tune in or tune out

5. a gardener just showed up at the library and has extended her warm company into my evening. i am just oh so happy about that.

6. and notes srsly are the best

7. i am revealing so much to you, blogger.

8.farewell

9. ps, should i major in psychology or outdoor recreation??????????
10.

10 good things that happened today

(copying kel)

1. i woke up and was so warm and comfy that i just didn't ever want to get up.
2. read 2 pages of middlesex
3. my father called me!
4. shared a similar experience with my dear penpal
5. didn't fall asleep in any classes and didn't feel the need to lay my head down
6. briefcase boy sat behind me in history. some day. we will talk.
7. was able to exert some energy
8. miaomiao CRaacccks me up. (daily)
9. ate some tasty shively pizza salad and a vegan patty. tastay.
10. received a warm hug.

the difference between grade school and college is that you can decorate your notebooks any way you like and you can put bumper stickers on your computer, and you can wake up at 3 am and make spaghetti.

i miss the grand canyon! my brother leaves for college tomorrow!

swanky elevator music

is playing

and all i need,
is feet that won't quit moving
and a heart that will follow what it believes
and a body that will produce endless energy
& restless feet
and the ability to face my fears
and some good cheese
hey, i think a good idea would be
playing foreign music while studying

air-conditioners

when i come home after being gone a long while, sometimes i wonder how all of the crazy ideas and dreams that are inside of my head ever got there in the first place. my head doesn't seem to coincide with my surroundings, and yet i let myself become blended into the world around me, barely raising my hand with a question. but it's summer, and the living's easy i suppose. summer has made me scared of the people around these parts, customers who are bitter and eager to complain, corporations who need poor little "part-timers" to sell their high-priced socks in order to meet company standards. was it always like this? or have things just progressed? or i was just oblivious. either way, it makes me kind of scared of people.

i daydream of lifting my backyard up from its suburban confines and and planting it somewhere where it can breath and grow. maybe a field somewhere, or by some water. it is so prettty and overflowing with green but we really do not spend enough time out here. i daydream of friends laughing inside these fences, swinging from the old rocking chair and someone playing guitar bongos and the like. some older, elderly people should be here too so we can talk about things from a fresh perspective and i can ask why it is that neighbors just don't mow each others lawns, or why exactly we even have grass.

i think i could write a whole book full of daydreams, lives i want to live. and even though writing for me doesn't come easy, writing about a life well lived would still be so much easier than actually living it out. i'm kinda lazy, to be honest. how do spiders have the energy to weave such big webs? or how do ants carry 50 times their weight? when i grow up, i vow not to have air conditioning. because when the house is air conditioned, going outside makes you all sweaty and complainy about the weather, when really it feels so nice being so sticky and alive.