there are so many melodies i wish to get through, so many places i want to go. and collages i want to make. and yet, where i get stuck is the very beginning, the excitement, the birth of a moment when you take off running, only to fall down- and you could get up, but the grass is so soft and the sky looks so nice from down here. it's a win win, or a lose lose. either way, it's choices that have to be made.

I need to look up what dreams of tables mean. Half of my dreams have taken place around a table in the last week. More than half, actually. My hands are numb.

What a funny time, college is. I don't feel as old as I thought I'd feel, and yet I think I felt the oldest when i was like 8 years old.. Now I'm just growing down, coming back into the state I was born into.

This quarter has taken a turn for the better in the shape of a purely lovable satanist cutie and the gift of my first Ticonderoga pencil at 1 in the morning from a long board riding teacher of mine. I couldn't be more thankful.

things i consider important

story telling

facial expressions

affirming words

colors

singing/music making

asking hard questions

honesty (honesty, honesty honesty)

secrets

fondu

sewing

keeping a plant alive

you know what i miss ?

surveys. and florida! but i really do miss surveys. i might take one right now if i can find one. one woooop i found one! i feel 15 again.

My current life in 90 questions

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

Take this survey

1. What was the highlight of your week?
being in the woods yesterday & looking and baby pics today

2. Whose car were you in last?
mine!

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
who knows. probably the next time i see my grandma or an uncle

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
red & blue

5. How long is your hair?
a little shorter than shoulder length. weird

6. Are you good looking?
haha

7. Last movie you watched?
ponyo

8. Who were you with?
my salf

9. Last thing you ate?
cookies my dad made

10. Last thing you drank?
green taay

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
i am not really sure

12. Who came over last?
jess

13. Are you happy right now?
i am!

14. What did you say last?
not sure

15. Where is your phone?
next to me

16. What color are your eyes?
blueish gray

17. Are you left-handed?
i am!

18. Spell your name without vowels:
smnth bl lol

19. Do you have any pets?
two pups

20. Favorite Vacation?
florida is always so much fun

21. What do you dislike currently?
how fast days go by

22. What are you listening to?
explosions in the sky!

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
a friend by my side

24. What is your favorite scent?
egyptian goddess haha but i really love smells so much

25. Who makes you happiest?
recently my sister

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
in my moms bed

27. When is your birthday?
november 7th!

28. Who has the same phone as you?
aaron! my sister used to. no one else because its so old skewl

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
aahh man! hmm.. i'm not sure. might have been at my cousin's house

30. Do you read your horoscope?
not daily ones no

31. Where was the last place you bought something?
hmmm.. not sure. about to buy gas though

32. How do you feel about your hair right now?
i miss the longness

33. Do you bite your nails?
every couple weeks haha

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
not really

35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
?

36. Myspace or facebook?
myspizzle. or blogizzle. or TUMBIZZLE!!!

37. How fast have you driven a car?
85!

38. Have you ever smoked?
si senor

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?
philosophy, religion, & english the most. and history

40. Do you have Verizon?
nope

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
normally cancers or capricorns. or pisces people

42. Do you have any hidden talents?
maybe

43. Favorite Song?
so many. recently born ruffian songs

44. Do you like to sing at all?
i do in the empty house & in the car

45. Dream Job?
photo journalist for national geographic or a writer who just won the lottery. or sabrina ward harrison. or a cake decorator.

46. Where does most of your family live?
ohio & michigan

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
oldaaast

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
i was growing up

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
it's already twelve but i'm so sleeeepy

50. Do you drink?
yea

51. Know any other languages?
a little espanol

52. Ever write a coded message?
ya that was fun

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
yeah!!

54. Do you have any children?
a couple pups

55. Did you take a nap today?
nope

56. Who has the same birthday as you?
my neighbor aj, a pair of twins, a few moms, my dad!!

57. Ever met anyone famous before?
aaron carter!! hugged michael franti! umm..

58. Do you want to be famous one day?
for something revolutionary i wouldn't mind

59. Any Pet Peeves?
selfishness

60. Are you multitasking right now?
if listening to music is multitasking

61. Do you like Britany Spears?
no opinion

62. What is your least favorite chore?
i like chores

63. Last place you drove your car?
my pa's

64. Ever been out of the country?
yeah

65. Where were you born?
michigan

66. Could you handle being in the military?
no

67. What is your average cell phone bill?
i don't even know

68. Who are you thinking about right now?
going to maddie's

69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
today looking at baby pictures

70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
too many

71. Are your toes always painted?
no

72. How many piercings do you have?
4

73. What are you doing today?
tonight?

74. Have you ever been gambling?
nope

75. When is the last time you updated your page?
i don't have a myspace anymo

76. Do you like rollercoasters?
YA!

77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?
world

78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
tigger

79. Last thing you cooked?
rice

80. How's the weather?
beautttyfully cold but today the sky was was blue

81. Do you e-mail?
i love emailing

82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
dropped it in the toilet, put it in the oven, which turned out to be a brilliant idea

83. Last time you were sick?
i feel queesy a lot lately

84. What states have you lived in?
michigan indiana & ohio

85. Do you wish you could move?
not right now i'm good in ohio

86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?
no, maybe i should

87. What is your dream car?
a jeeeeep wrangler

88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
hah who hasn't?

89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
right here's good

90. Are you happy with your life?
yeah. this was just a fantastic survey

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

december

the snow is piling up
and the time is 4oclock but you wouldn't think so
and it's cozy,but your cheeks were rosier last year
and there's now white lights dressed upon your headboard
and your cousins want to cuddle with their mama
and i could just curl up on the couch with the televisions static
and a voice on the telephone in the kitchen
laughing or saying something in a serious tone
either way
the days pass by fast
because they weren't meant to last long anyway
and there's not much to do
or much to figure out
and movies are meant for watching
and family is made for cuddling
(and comfort, and laughs, and making me extremely stuffed)

eXpression

I take no real value in "things". I think I rely almost completely on expression of all intangibles- I long for it. ( ( ) But slavery of expression is murder, and I feel nauseated at the thought of "having" to do anything. So what's the opposite? I want forms to come and go effortlessly, and that doesn't mean my room has to ever be clean again. I wouldn't feel the need to pick up any messes. If I could, I would swim weightlessly in a sea. It doesn't matter what kind of sea, as long as its blue and it's water. What else? Smiles would unlock souls. Mountains would be deliciously dewy on the other side. (and edible of course) Words would only be used on occasion, there would be a lot and a lot of laughing. Everyone would know the color of your eyes and god would kiss you infinitely. And when you fully express yourself, heaven on earth.

thankful for

feeling lost
mushrooms
pomegranate seeds in tasty greens
old music (cat stevens right n0w)
secrets
honesty
gentle hearts
and strong ones too
voicemails
looking in the mirror and laughing
soft skin
kirtan
caring parents
sibz
grandmas, and aunts
frenz
eye colors
socks
dutch pancakes
real syrup
having time alone
being able to breathe
not feeling the need to conform to anything
notes from friends
thinking about things differently just from listening to others talk
CHEESE!
the word unconditional



all my lists are so similar.
what can i say

It's a whirlwind of personalities around here!

good thingz- edit- not november 16th. actually the 23rd.

water.
water water water!
hands.
doodling
tea
feelings
notes
scratchy records
brave friends
spilling out, in any form

eggz in a basket
solitude amongst a crowd
being okay with seeing things gray
the word, collaborating
and the idea of collaborating

realizing "knowing"
is limitless
and i will always want to know more
and question more
and love more

and i will always have an idea of how things "should" be,
but it's okay if things aren't actually that way

being okay with taking time to meditate
in a song
or a mantra
or an idea
or a FEELING!
(bad or good!)
and have it resonate deeply
and then let it go!

Am i too much? Not enough? Will my ribs burst open from a simple touch of a stranger? Would I let myself find out anyway? I fear going too far, too deep, delving into unwanted territories and not being able to escape! I could stare at you for hours, or even a simple second, and fall madly, deeply in love; only to pretend that I feel otherwise. Because to love too much, what is to amount of that anyways but a belly fully of chocolate candies or a desk filled with papers I need to look through and starbursts waiting to be eaten.

to be anything
is to be
laying in a warm bed
all alone
with the window open (but the shade pulled down)
and the cars to be rushing by


but it is night
and we are all in bed
alone
a-lone
loner?
nah
it's nighttime.

and it's not that we are really alone
but we all sleep alone
and dream alone
even if fuzzy creatures show up in our dreams

we close our eyes
and sarcasm
and jokes are forgotten for the day

and there is this realm
of peacefulness
oneness
with the dividend of life's separateness
body-mind- me- you- us


see you tomorrow :)

I am always thinking about the past. Is that weird? Or the future. Or how depressing my current situations are. How stupid, right? I am writing this so I can let it go and get over myself. The body puts such blunders on living.

fall feels like a warm bath i used to take when i was little
the leaves bend and curl under my toes
and dreams feel like best friends
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
BON FIRES!

i long to

see things as less black and white
embrace the gray
not get scared when looking into others eyes
laugh at myself more
open myself up to be laughed at more
take more risks
show people what i love about them
have more conversations about things i care about
ask for more advice
paint/collage more
go out on a limb (i guess this is the same as take more risks)
run more, and walk less (because it feels so good afterward)
find more places to dance (not just dance floors)
smell more flowers
collect more leaves
be more open to love
zone in on what i am passionate about
eat less junk
call more, text less
use my phone less in general
watch a movie with my roomie
play guitar/write more
not give up on things so fast
have more confidence in myself
not worry so much
:)

who are we and why are our worlds constantly changing!

i am a carrot
the sun fed me light and rain filled my mud stained cracks

i am a simple, peaceful little muffin
on top of a yellow moon

i am a drum
with skin
and
ears

i
am
god's
eye gunk
his favorite
pie by his dad's piano
and his mom's trumpet

People
are so
mysterious


-----the later, and the earlier i'm up
are the times i function best

----------i wish everyone could see how beautiful they are. (not by a mirror though)
what if the essence of who we were was reflected back to us when we hugged a tree? or kissed a caterpillar?

9 good things about this weekend

1. i can feel fall lurking in
2. tuna casserole
3. carrying piglets to their new home
4. dancing in a warm room
5. true blue friends, old and new
6. simplicity in dorm decorating
7. new perspectives
8. chocolate covered almonds
9. memory foam

ten reasons why september 10th is taking a turn for the better

1. i realized the children's section at alden library (aka college) is better than the adult sections. i found a whole section on sea creatures, a huge book with pages dedicated to a plethra of animals who are the same color, a book ALL ABOUT HANDS focused on the lines,and palm reading!!!!! then there's a book on human faces, and it says that if you have a baby face people automatically are kind of comfortable with you, and yet if you take a baby face and a regular face and they're both "cold" people (ps- the thought of being cold scares me) people are likely to be way more disapointed at the baby facer because they had higher expectations on a warm, giggly person. i guess this is super obvious. but i still found it interesting. ohhhhhhh, people.

2. there is a very cute boy who works at the convenient on union street. also, there is free fountain drinks there too. 2in1! but today, when he was ringing me up, we made eye contact, and smiled, and it just felt so warm and i kind of melted inside just a little bit. i swear one good smile can do that to ya.

3. today while working, this boy was looking all around near where i was putting books on the temp shelves, and i was like, "do you need help finding something?" and he said with an excited look on his face, "ohhhh no, i'm just checking things out around here!!!!" how cute. obviously a freshman and obviously very excited to be in college. and exciting, it is! a whole library filled with books just for us! and you wonder why i'm always at the library...

4. my mom's boyfriend told me that thoughts are like a radio station that's playing when you're drivin, and we can tune in or tune out

5. a gardener just showed up at the library and has extended her warm company into my evening. i am just oh so happy about that.

6. and notes srsly are the best

7. i am revealing so much to you, blogger.

8.farewell

9. ps, should i major in psychology or outdoor recreation??????????
10.