i wish i had a guru

"people are like diamonds"
a metaphor someone used the other night in all seriousness.
and at first thought, i thought it was really cheesy.
because diamonds are kind of disgusting in our society.
but i really liked the comparison
because she said how we have so many different surfaces
and layers
and we absorb different frequencies of energy
and we are pretty strong
and overly looked at
but not looked at enough
( i am placing my own words alongside hers now )
cheesy, but i like

i love being lazy

i love books. i love blogging on tumblr. i could sit around my house all summer and read books in the sun, maybe occasionally go for a run. my family has to be around though. and yet, pressing forward in life is something i have to do. if i don't make something of today, it will end just like yesterday did. i am 19 years old and i am not getting any younger. luckily my teeth hurt like a mother so sitting around is totally justified for a couple more days, atleast.

exciting

kayaking
fathers days
my dad's porch
having time to read
having time to think and reflect
waitressing again
making mistakes
crying freely
my grandma's 75th birthday
sarah's
home videos
shyness
motorcycles
bon fires(soon to be)
being tired
campingggggg
seeing old faces
and new ones
ya know, just summer lovin

i wonder if this is what growing up feels like...

it cant!
no no,
i'm sure more good things are to come.

and yet, i don't like the finality of endings, things changing.

too wild
too emotional
too lazy
too crazzzzy
for this life
[sometimes]


as i get older i feel more and more secrets inside of me piling up. not big ones, but just things i never tell anyone, which is interesting.

dads

i would love to curl up in a pillow case and have my dad swing me around my parent's room and toss me on their king size bed. i want to ride his soldiers and get tossed into my grandma's pool or the ocean in mexico. i want to be on his knees as his sings "this is the way the cow boys ride, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up." i want to build a snow fort and throw snowballs clear across the street.

confluence, pa

i am ready for summer. this weekend made me ready. i forgot about school, about what age i was. summer will be nice at home. even if it will get old (like most things tend to do) the warmth of the air will remind me that time is fleeting, so enjoy it. i remember putting away books in the fall, amazed, so happy to be here at school.

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

everyone is outside

subjectivity

i miss hearing about just and unjust, not good and bad, right or wrong. why so often do we try to please people? why so often to people sit around and pick out people's faults, pick out how they think others should or shouldn't act? people are so... subjective. my one teacher tries to make a lot of things in class a joke, and i feel it's to engage the whole class who might not like real talk of ethics for 2 hours. also it might be because he think's he is a comedian. i am not trying to be mean, he said so himself, he really wishes he was a stand-up comedian. i really really like him though. i'd like to pick at his brain sometime if i wasn't so afraid. it's just kind of a bummer. i'm not sure what i think anymore; because i used to think that it was really great of this guy (as a teacher) to get the whole class interested in what he was saying. and yet now, I feel by doing so, his class lacks depth, lacks any sort of worthiness of our attention. sure, he gets people to laugh. but it has nothing to do with, anything. we dabble with many different topics and yet never really dive deep into any of them. maybe that's because it's only phil130? I guess i was too privileged to have taken two really great philosophy classes previous quarters. i miss steve hays, and james petrik. i also miss the sun. one interesting thing that mr. teacher did say today though, was he asked us to raise our hands if we thought that the KKK was "wrong." (what is wrong...... but that's besides the point) a lot of people raised their hands. he then asked "well, i bet if i were to ask you what 2 common beliefs the KKK hold are, you wouldn't know." i liked that. cuz ain't it the truth. so he asked, and no one knew. i think it's interesting how he words the things he says also.

ps

i often get caught staring at people. i'm sorry, i just find you so very, very interesting.

i have a soft spot for english and philosophy teachers. ooook and art teachers. i just think it's really great teachers do what they do, because i don't know if i could do it.

pps.

the best moments come after falling

wake up in the morning, the sun is shining and its still really early, drink some coffee, hug my mom, crawl in bed with a lover, go to a farmer's market, play soccer with little kids, take pictures of the sun shining in your face, go to the ocean, run around in the waves, sing with friends, drive around with you guys, windows down, music and the wind, climb a big mountain, play the trumpet and the flute on top,roll down it and get grass stains, eat peach and strawberry muffins, bang on drums, paint on the sides of trees and jump into water, pools, lakes, the ocean again. eat outside on a picnic table, in the grass, in the woods. being tired at night. bonfires and munchies. smores, peanut butter and jelly. sneak over and smoke a cig, the rush of scooting around my mother is amazing. sleepy. time for bed

passing by, i long to catch your eye

i wonder how often we cross paths
i wonder if i see your face in different places
if you study at the library
and party on mill
if you dance at casa
or climb bong hill
if you feel alive in the rain
but live for the sun

i wonder how often
you leave your skin
i wonder how well you let people know you
i wonder who you are
and if we cross paths more than once throughout the day
i wonder if you notice

mostly i wonder who everyone is
humans, yes

i wonder why people look down when they pass
and why when i catch someone's eye i look away really fast
i wonder what you are passionate about
i wonder,
if anyone feels lucky
lucky,
just to smile

i laugh
when i see people laugh for no reason
but i secretly laugh
all the time
about nothing, too.

and it feels so good

happy mom, happy family; happy heart

never has home felt so ... happy!!! my mom's happy, my dad's happy, my brother and sister and i are all a little older.. it feels so good. i am so happy!! growing up, i always thought my mom was my biggest threat.. same with my brother. but i'm starting to realize we are all on each other's side. a little late, i know.

who?

school seems to be a lot about the reasoning behind things,
why things are the way they are.
it's like this institution feels the need to pick everything apart
down to its bone
until there is nothing left..
no substance, no mystery.
study the brain, study the heart,
study my beliefs, study that flower
you find so beautiful.
the more i see, the less i know.
the more i learn, the more confused i am.

things were easier when i was 5,
and i just lived.
i didn't really worry about how i was living
or why.

ah, the bliss of being young and unaware.
what if we could live like that forever?
not unaware, but just in a child's world,
a world where things were less complicated
because we didn't know how to cause confusion
like we do now.
my confusion was only of the basic sorts-
hunger, sibling rivalry, bloody knees.
that's feeling alive, open wounds.
summer really was freeing-
because i didn't even know what day it was-
or what i would do tomorrow
or how i would get there.

tell me why,
in a world of 98579587359835 people,
i choose to blend in.
to have no opinion.
to not care about
so much,
and yet the things i do care about
slip right through my hand,
unable to materialize, actualize,
make sense of what these things
actually are.

this isn't a boo hoo to growing up
sh-peal
but more of a contemplation of why I,
[who can choose any path i want
and
swing, move, run , walk, skip,
dive, trot, whistle, sing, hoola hoop
to the end]
make things more complicated than they are,
and pretend to not know who I am
when i clearly remember the child I once was.

school is funny. i guess i mean public speaking is funny. i don't want to convince people of anything, i especially don't want to persuade. especially when the persuasion would be completely unethical- because convincing someone of something based on an emotional appeal isn't ethical in my opinion, no matter how you spin it. it's funny, we talk about ads in class and how they purposely try to suck us in to thinking a certain way. we are conscious of this, and yet i still feel we let ourselves be sucked in. why is it that simply b e ing isn't enough? i feel constantly bombarded in this society by the fact that i am not enough and i need something else to be enough. i need a major that screams "i will be successful". who tells me this though? i guess i rightly let myself be persuaded. i guess in this way, i am sucked in. and sometimes i do believe things can define me better than i can define my self. words, entities, etc. is this really who we are? does it really matter? why are we in college? to learn and to open up new avenues of our thought, or to be shown what a "real" successful life is like? but i think that the world needs beggars as much as it needs successors. the world needs garbage men as much as it needs businessmen. the world needs.. who we really are more than it needs .......


'the schools we are going to are reflections of the society that created them. nobody is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them. nobody is going to teach you your true history, teach you your true heroes, if they know that that knowlwdge will help set you free. schools in amerika are interested in brainwashing people with amerikanism, giving them a little bit of education, and training them in skills they need to fill the positions the capitalist system requires. as long as we expect amerika's school to educate us, we will remain ignorant'
- Assatta Shakur

ever feel smaller than you should,
bigger than you want to,
warm, cold, independent.
cuddly, happy, tired
energetic.
umm.. quirky. a big driver in a small world;
little driver in a large world.
i could follow around the sun,
become nomadic.
the sun is my god
and i blindly follow.

Friedrich Nietzsche

1. People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.

2. He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.

3. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

4. There are no facts, only interpretations.

5. Morality is but the herd-instinct in the individual.

6. No one talks more passionately about his rights than he who in the depths of his soul doubts whether he has any.

7. Without music, life would be a mistake.

8. Anyone who has declared someone else to be an idiot, a bad apple, is annoyed when it turns out in the end that he isn’t.

9. In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.

10. The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

11. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

12. We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.

13. No victor believes in chance.

14. Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.

15. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

16. It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

17. The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.

18. The future influences the present just as much as the past.

19. The most common lie is that which one tells himself; lying to others is relatively an exception.

20. I counsel you, my friends: Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.

21. Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, is what makes someone a friend.

22. God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.

23. Success has always been a great liar.

24. Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.

25. What do you regard as most humane? To spare someone shame.

26. Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.

27. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.

28. When one has a great deal to put into it a day has a hundred pockets.

29. Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises.

30. All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.

31. What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome.

32. Fear is the mother of morality.

33. A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.

34. Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell.

35. There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.

36. The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness.

37. The Kingdom of Heaven is a condition of the heart — not something that comes upon the earth or after death.

38. What is the mark of liberation? No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.

39. Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you.

40. We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.

rise and fall, and rise again

the world doesn't stop spinning for anyone. everything just keeps spinning and blooming and going and going and going so fast- sometimes i forget to step out of my own head. there are places where life seems to be moving slower, maybe out in a field with a bunch of sheep and maybe i could just lay with those sheep forever and feel life crawling by very, very slowly, but i almost prefer the fast pace, brisk movement of things all around me instead. even if that means the world seems to be spinning way too fast. its nice coming home though and slowing down for a bit.


but i wish i could pause earth's clock for just one minute so i could catch my breath and laugh, and remember oh yeah, im alive! but i guess i can do that without stopping time. the earth always spinning surely puts things into perspective, such as staying mad/sad for too long, being lazy , letting small things eat away at my soul.

it sure is nice to rise again each morning, even if there seems to be no rhyme or reason to things at all sometimes. it sure is nice to find words and find people and find books and colors and thoughts, and anything that conjures up something that means something and something that somehow makes sense. cuz im just trying to make sense of everything

and that constant sense making might never make sense, but on and on it goes.