blow

my natural instinct seems to go against the wind. i feel like i do things in reverse (in every sense) ; my body is cold in the summer and hot in the winter. i like rainy days when people are afraid to go outside (snowy too) and i like it late at night when no one is awake. (sometimes i like being lost or without my phone- i take comfort in chaos and being unsure. things get weird when i try to figure everything out. i like feeling dismantled, running around.) i like the morning when everything is new and people have yet to open their eyes- i like not speaking at all and i like the feeling in my tummy when laughing. i like whispering, and yelling. i like being alive- sometimes everything is so beautiful and life seems so full i could pop my bubble like a balloon, and only goodness would remain. real, tangible, something. what is that feeling?? have you ever wanted to dive into sky when it is setting or have you ever wanted the wind to blow you along with it? sometimes i want to be the beauty i see all around instead of simply being the observer. summing up the excitement in my chest from just a good moment- i can't even describe that 000000000000000000000

other times i am a bubble that would rather pop quickly than remain. my state of being is continuously looping up and down, the happiest times pass through lucidly and suddenly i feel normal again- level with the ground. i need external things to be elevated; where is that feeling i had before? i know this is part of being human, our continuous cycles of emotional states- but ..

i like the warm weather, people with less clothes on, it seems friendly and i dunno. but i am partial to winter hats and sweaters. but the sun, i am partial to the most.
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