boys arent charming and nothing surprises me. im only writing this so i cant admit im feeling this way and then make an effort to change. i really cannot free my mind lately. maybe its too many substances, maybe its being too sober. the sad thing is that nothing ever surprises me. i desperately want to stop searching and instead crawl into my within, and breatheeee. but even more, i want to hug new boys and nestle into their chest and feel safe and warm and surprised. i get really excited, and then something hits, and the excitement is gone. this is me being honest. the thing is, i feel like love is hopeless, because i have it, yet i don't want it. i want surprises and inconsistency. i want my reality to be a fort, made out of just one blanket so as to not be too complicated and i want to only exist within the fort, and when i step out, the world is my jungle gym of dreams and nothing is real and today will fade away. yet, it already does, so who's to say this is real anyways. i always just feel so drawn away from everything, from everyone. always. i feel like im on the outside looking in, and i hate that i am so selfish with how i feel. i want to share, not freaking obsess over what is going on inside of me. i feel like the base of me is empty. all my pain is numb. like even if i wanted to feel pain for things that have changed or people i miss, i just dont feel anything. nooothing. weird, today was such a great day, and it ended like this. yet it feels good to let words out that you might associate with me, yet i am just glad to let them be free. this isn't me.
drifting back into something

night