,,,,

sometimes, just realizing that life is full of seasons and that things are bound to change and transform, makes me so happy

"i surrendered my beliefs and found myself at the tree of life injecting into the veins of leaves only to find that stories, like forests, are subject to seasons" -saul

i recently remembered how awesome one of my fifth grade teachers was. mr. hanson was his name, and he made us 5th graders feel really freaking great. he treated us like people, he wanted to know our opinions, he told us stories and wanted advice. he was such a good teacher- he made me feel capable and smart. he motivated us- learning our times tables (in math) was the biggest adventure ever. he had a list of who finished them first, and i was number 11. back then i was so confident in math. i remember missing a day of school and having to make up a test the next day in recess. i came into his room and he said okay, here's the test, put it on my desk when you're done. and then he left the room, and his copy of our math book was lying open on his desk and yet i didn't cheat and i think he trusted me that i wouldn't cheat. i remember i only missed one problem on that test. it felt so great. i remember sometimes feeling brainwashed by him- i am not sure why. i know he didn't brain wash us, i think it was because he was so different from our other teachers. we were people and we felt worthy. but probably also because i am easily influenced by adults, so maybe i personally was brainwashed. the best thing ever was christmas- we got to decorate his room with lights and just anything we wanted- paper chains, candy, snowflakes, i dont know what else. then we would all watch "its a wonderful life." it's like he did whatever he wanted with us. talking today in class about education and public school systems made me think of mr. hanson, or maybe i was already thinking about him. either way, what a great guy.

motives

i was quick to jump the gun when thinking about other people's motives: they're no good, and i never realized it. do you think everyone has a different reason for doing what they do, or are we unconsciously making decisions? i wasn't sure until i really thought about it, and questioned why people do what they do- how they are benefiting from me or someone else or just the situation they put themselves in. and then i realized.. maybe i don't have the best motives either. i don't have completely evil motives, nor do i have complete selfless motives. hm

things that make me nervous:

-whispering
-trying to look good
-tests (the minute before)
-the start of a soccer game
-conversations with new people
-confrontations
-being in front of a camera
-being explained something i know that i will not understand
-professors that i find fascinating
-my birthday
-when the attention is on me
-anticipating
-being called on in class
-being caught off guard
-having to talk in front of the class (but its getting better)
-seeing people i haven't seen in a while
-sometimes, people in general
-math tests
-sometimes going into work
-sometimes going into my dorm
-arriving at my home in chardon
-playing indoor soccer
-track meets, running competitively in general
-climbing the rock wall
-cute
-boys
-cute girls too
-cute people
-although cute people should not make me nervous

chy town

I think about home a lot and what i'd do there. maybe not things i'd do today or tomorrow, but i think about things i've done in the past a lot, and it really is just so cute being young and being stuck. almost because life seems to vibrate with this intensity and all around us is this little high school world, and our little town, and my friends and i escaped and went to the edges of cliffs and waterfalls and cici's pizza, and everything was very confined and the future wasn't something i needed that much. the past always seems more glamorous looking back i suppose, and i rarely look back anymore. but i was interested to know why i have such warm feelings tied to being in chardon. maybe it's like he said, every object and every street is tied to some memory, some moment that you were doing something or your felt a certain way and all of these memories are bottled up into one small place. i guess that's how athens will be too. being little, people expect things from you- teachers, parents, friends.. you know what you're supposed to be doing. here, it's all up in the air and no one is really riding your ass anymore. i like it, and yet i don't really want to be a responsible adult someday. i guess i think that if i go home i will magically become younger, but nope it's just getting older from here on out, which is something i forget. i think i also forget that it's not always winter here. birds are chirping right now.

ramble after classs

some days i wonder what i know. what do i hold important, what is the meaning of my days? in class today hays asked someone if they knew anything about water systems, and he said no. and then he asked "well what do you know?' and he said "uhh.. nothing." he wasn't a stupid kid. but it really got me thinking, what do i know? is there anything significant that every day i walk around and know is true? some people might say "you know that you are loved" but i have this weird thing in my head that tells me people can't really love me, because they don't really know who i am. hm. so what do i know? hays asked what makes us like or dislike someone. someone responded "their beliefs or values on something in comparison to my own" and hays thought that was interesting. i said "how that person makes you feel" and he laughed in my face and said "yup that's what we learned in kindergarten.. but i didn't go to kindergarten." so does it really not matter what others think, how others make you feel, feelings at all? do i base my life upon feelings? i might. are feelings the value of our days? if they are, i am screwed up. but what's more than that- maybe i am seeking the wrong thing- i claim to hate the way our society works and how it's all about success and materials and all of these things and i claim i will never conform- yet i hate ridicule. i hate the thought of being rejected- by friends, by society, by people who think the way i think is wrong. i love the feeling of people agreeing with me, or it's really easy for me to agree with others. that's what i walk around doing. i don't walk around and question the way things are, i walk around and find people who are like me and who i can agree with. i don't really learn anything and i don't seek knowledge, i listen to things that fit into things i already know. the other things i dismiss. nope, i can't relate to that. in class when we are learning about something i have never heard about before, i don't pay attention. but then when i hear "socrates" or "soul" or something i recognize with, then i pay attention. maybe it's not all about making each other feel good- maybe it's not about being told "yes yes, you are fine, you are enough, you.. the way you think and feel is great. you are accepted." hays also said today (last time i'll repeat something hays said) that there are all of these different groups of people that try to better the body. cosmetologists, physicians, bakers, etc.. If you go to a physician they might tell you that you need to eat better and exercise, and then you will feel better. but umm.. working out doesn't feel good, and junk food tastes really good. bakers will agree. bakers like to comfort people with their food. it tastes sooo good. cosmetologists like to say that they will have you looking great with the right hair, the right make up, the right "look." it feels good to be wearing make-up that's hiding what's on your skin, or wearing the right clothes that make your body "look" good. (reminds me of those makeover shows.) and yet, are they really changing anything? so i guess the point of these things is to say- yeah, doing what is good for you is kind of painful. it hurts. doing what's not good for you is really easy, and easily disguised. it's pleasing at the time. people agreeing with you feels good, and its great when its sincere. but if not.. it's not making me question what i believe. and i kind of really like being questioned, deep down. i wish i was more often.
what do i know: i love difficult dialogues concerning religious beliefs.

shelter from our storm

what if we truly let every day be a new day? not carry any of the baggage from one night to the next morning- everyone is redeemed, because we are not perfect. we do not think perfect thoughts or have perfect motives. we do have a limited amount of days, however.

i know it's hard to imagine

can we talk about...

down down baby down by the rollercoaster
sweet sweet baby

some days i want to crawl out of my skin. i feel guilty for laughing. i feel guilty for talking. some days everything is just too much.

what is this taking over my head?
let's see:

tkhrer sdfopsdijjfhjgdfsjekjhkljlka lkshfsdfkljsdof klkloskvdjlkfje

okay, maybe it's not even love i am thinking about. maybe it is the possibility of feeling a certain way- after the crazy nervous stuff goes away and something is left and all you can do is smile. i love it.

fresh fu eelin soarin through my pores

i can't really focus on anything right nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

things i want to do (inspired by my pen pal)

-have a snowball fight in the middle of new york city

-dance to PHunk all night long (and get shin splints)

-get a favorite song from all of my friends

-see my cousin shelby soon

-run through the woods

-SCREAM MORE! (happy screams)

-read all day

-get awesome at snowboarding

-get awesome at ice skating

-get awesome at knitting (or just learn how to)

-learn to speak a different language (or just keep speaking with a british accent)

-do something with sticks

-run like a little kid

-drink out of jelly jars

- things i want: merrells, a gap coat, and converse's. awesome.

when i think of you

(and who you is, is not who you think)

i think of running through fields and getting slushies and bringing them everywhere, and singing in the car with your hair blowing in the wind. i think of boys and i think of parties and of lusting after love. i think of loud laughs and soft music. i think of being high and jumping on a cold tile floor. so much life pumping through such little veins, someone once said people suffer from one of two things: too much life or not enough. i wish i knew you. what makes you.. what makes you sad? how do you feel when you are alone? what time do you wake up? what runs through your mind? what is something you do every day? i guess i am obsessed with this image that might not exist, and yet it makes me feel at ease. it feels so familiar, wondering these things.

woo woo woo!

The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

http://www.maniacworld.com/laughter-chain-try-not-to-laugh.html

i just want a friend to walk around with me all the time, or most of the time

i want to talk to strangers
i dont wanttttt people to be strangers

i just had a dream

i couldnt believe you were on rollerblades. it was too good to be true. we might have been at hogwarts, and then i realized my feet were rollerlading too, so i leaped into the air and twirled all around and because we both had rollerblades on we could do anything.

i feel something

what needs to happen-in order for me to rise above?
-new place, new landscape?
-soberness, less ego, less labeling of "the other"
yoga
-healthy food
-inside?
inside where. where, is this soul you are speaking of?